Okay, well where to start? I guess I should give you a little background information so this all makes better sense.
From ages born to 8 years old, I was a fricken cute kid. Adorable. Born with black hair, and tons of it, that turned to platinum blonde by the time i was 3 or 4 with the biggest blue eyes. Super cute kid...and then. Well, I developed a unibrow and my hair turned into this dingy blonde color that wasn't very cute. And I was a little chubby. Not morbidly obese or even really overweight. Just chubby. I had and still kind of have, these 'chubby' cheeks. I just wasn't that cute anymore. That stage lasted from 5th grade to ohhh maybe sophomore year of high school. Then I started to get out of puberty somewhat and kind of find myself, well as best I was going to so far. I still had this issue though...I was still a little chubby.I never really had a problem with my weight, or the way I seen myself. I never thought that I was chubby at all, and I was pretty confident with my body. I was always running around outside and doing this sport or in this club. I wasn't just sitting on my ass at home eating ho ho's and playing video games. I was active, and I ate healthy full course meals. (I grew up with my grandparents, who believe in home cooked meals for every meal) I mean, I knew that I wasn't the skinniest person, and I had friends who were skinny. Whatever, it didn't bother me and I learned to brush it off for a while...
I think I first started having weight issues when I got into 8th grade. There was this guy in my class, and not even a guy that I was the slightest bit attracted to, who called me thunder thighs. Now I have bigger thighs and a bigger butt, but by no means are they that deserving of the name, thunder thighs. But that's what he called me. And really for the first time in my life, I started to pay attention to my body. I noticed that I wasn't a 'skinny' girl. That summer I went to the doctor to have a physical because the next year I was going to go out for summer sports in high school. Whatever, no big deal. Well I have my physical and my doctor..who is a 'skinny bitch' tells me that I could stand to lose a few pounds. Ahhem. I was like 13 or 14 years old, probably 5'1" and at that time I weighed 125lbs. But I could lose a few pounds?!?!? By then, it was engraved in my head that I was 'fat'.
So years go by, and I have this thought in my head that I'm a chubby girl, and that if I were skinnier I would be able to date this boy and that boy. And I would be able to wear these clothes and this swimming suit. Ugh, frustrating. I graduate high school weighing I want to say around 145-150lbs. And about a size 10/12. Now I was chubby. After I graduated high school, I wasn't active in sports anymore so gaining weight was very easy. Not to mention my metabolism sucks like no other. I tried dieting and working out ocassionally, but I'm a pretty impatient person. So if something doesnt show result asap, then I quit. I tried starving myself once too..that lasted about two days..and then I realized how utterly ridiculous that was.
So in the summer of 2009 I became vegan. It was just a choice that I decided to make, kind of out of nowhere. It wasn't a way of dieting so much as it was being healthy. Diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and I want no part in that. Vegan, meaning no meat, eggs, milk, dairy, no animal by-products. I honestly ate rice, veggies, fruit and potatoes like no others. I never once starved myself though. I lost 15lbs. In roughly a month and a half. I started working out. Running 2-3 miles anywhere from 2-4 times a week. Lifting weights, and I just started to watch what I ate. I had never felt healthier or happier in my life. But I found that being vegan was really starting to put a strain on my body physically. I took a multivitamin, but I wasn't getting all the nutrients that my body needed, so I decided to become vegetarian instead. Which means I still don't eat meat ...
So there's the background info, here's my ranting and bitching:
I was on the infamous facebook and was chatting with a few friends. On this day in particular I was talking to a guy name Brandon Holsten, with whom I had a relationship with a couple years ago. We actually lived together, but it turned out he was a jerk and a huge momma's boy. Whatever. So him and I were just chatting and all of a sudden he asks me: are you still doing that vegan thing? My response: Well not vegan anymore, but vegetarian still. Him: Ohhhh, I can tell. Me: What do you mean? Him: Well, you've gained wait (he can't spell to save his life). Me: Um. Actually I haven't, still weight the same as I did this summer. Him: Well in your pictures it looks like you have. In the face and stuff. And I'm just being honest and telling you what you're boyfriend wouldnt tell you. When I saw you this summer you were skinny skinny. Me: This is why I broke up with you, youre such an asshole, etc etc.
From there he gets defensive and whatever and I blow up on him. Blah blah. Oh and his ex girlfriend decides to stick her nose into it too. What a joy. "but not in a mean way." Ahhh, okay??? SO..
Every woman and a lot of men are insecure with their bodies. It's a given fact, and it sucks. After Brandon insulted me, I cried. I called my boyfriend who then got pissed that I would let such a jerk ruin my day. He reassured me that I was not fat and that I had not gained weight. But eventhough he had reassured me, I still felt like shit. And I'm still mad at the fact that I let such a loser ruin my day. Brandon is a huge jerk, and I regret ever dating him.
This is why girls have insecurities abou their bodies. Because douche bags like him think that they are hot shit and can give opinions like that. The only person who can judge you, is yourself. And you shouldn't be that hard on yourself about your weight. Hell, everyone struggles with weight every once in a while, or you can be like me. And struggle with it your whole life.
Well I guess I'm not struggling with it persay. It's just something that I have an issue with personally. And that sucks. It was something that was almost put inside my head at a young age, and I'm trying my damnest to get over it. Oh, believe me...trying my absolute hardest.
I've wrote numerous blogs on this whole weight thing. And as much as I would like to say that this will be my last post on this subject, I know it will not be. This is a BIG deal. People die over this kind of thing. Yes, people die over a number on a scale. Whether it be the number is too big, or it's too small. We NEED to get over this subject. We need to move on, and be happy with ourselves. How can we do this? Well I'm going to give you some personal advice that tends to work for me most of the time.
1. I go to my friends or family for support. They would tell me if I was gaining an unhealthy amount of weight and they'd be brutally honest, in the nicest way, about it. Not like some douche bag Brandon who just wants to say I'm fat in the face because he's fat in the head. Ugh.
2. I look at myself in the mirror and DON'T pick out my imperfections, but rather my good qualities. And I make sure that I let myself know that I AM beautiful the way that I am.
3. I remind myself that things in my life, and with my body, could be A LOT worse. And I'm thankful that they're not.
4. Remember that you only live once, and you only have this very ONE body. You should love it for as long as you have it.
5. Why waste your time being self conscious and worried what other people think? You don't know how long you have on this Earth. I know that I don't want to die unhappy and worried about other's opinions continuously.
6. Just imagine how shitty the world would be if everyone were a size fucking 2 with fake tans and blonde hair. How lame would that be? Very.
7. Be happy. And love yourself. Because if you can't love yourself, then no one else can either.
I absolutely promise you on everything that is holy, that you ARE beautiful. Did you know that Marilyn Monroe...you know that gorgeous girl that men wanted and women envied..weight 140 lbs at her heaviest and 125 lbs at her very lightest. She was a size 10 in her days which would now roughly be a size 6 today. She was not anorexic. She was a healthy woman...minus the drugs. But you get my point. Plus size models are taking over the modeling world by storm, and those scary skinnys...well they're becoming scary and very unappealing. What guy wants to date someone who counts calories and exercises 13 times a week? Any guy that does is an absolute moron, and should probably jump off of a bridge now to save us all the trouble.
I want you to be happy with yourself ladies. Even on those days when you feel like you can't go on, and it's just the end of the rope for you. Just remember that I know you're beautiful, I know it. I don't think it. I know it. And I want you to realize that too.
Because curves are beautiful. Every last one of them. <3
xoxo,
L
